The apocalypse is nigh: going forward, fake tits are banned from MMA in Louisiana. Specifically, an emergency rule lasting at least 60 days was passed Wednesday preventing athletes with breast implants from competing in MMA without a doctor’s note from the surgeon verifying their structural integrity. A woman recently pulled out of a scheduled match because of a problem with an implant, and because of this aberration, the miracle of man known as giant tits will be banned from all combat sports rings forthwith:
The moratorium is in place for at least 60 days, while the commission gathers more information about other states’ regulations of the matter. They are considering placing a blanket ban on fighters with breast implants altogether, or making the affected participants sign a waiver before participating. Thomas Ferguson, a doctor on the commission, said a ruptured breast implant doesn’t usually pose a serious health risk to the owner, but the required repairs are costly.
“Those redo surgeries are more complicated and expensive,” he said.
The commission didn’t know of any other state that has such a ban in place, though some states require fighters with implants to sign a waiver. The new rule could have an impact on two or three female fights that have already been scheduled. Embanato said he wasn’t sure if any of the women – outside of the one who has already pulled out of a fight because of problems – had breast implants. Ferguson thought it was unlikely that a doctor who performed breast augmentations would sign off on a woman fighting.
“I don’t know of a single plastic surgeon who is going to allow his artistic work to be messed up,” he said.
And then, the quote of the day:
“If they want to look good, then they don’t have to be in the ring.” -Louisiana Commissioner Harold Williams
This legal-if-approved status brings breast implants into commensuration with Testosterone Replacement Therapy legally in certain ways. (Insert boobs + testosterone joke here.) However, is there really any reason for such blatantly misogynistic ideas to come to the forefront? I understand if these commissioners chew on straw and call everyone “boy,” but come on… you don’t have to actually say that women should be forced to choose between looking good and making a living. You could at least throw it behind a veneer of bullshit somehow. For example, they could note correctly that “Bazooka Tits,” as Nick Diaz calls them, are used by the British military to enhance morale.
It would have been easy to do some quick research into what other states do or make the fighters sign a waiver, but instead, they banned implants outright. They are “gathering more information” on what makes a breast implant explode inside a woman’s chest, so we can only imagine what this entails. Will they bring in volunteers and squeeze with calipers until they hear a satisfying sploosh? Further, how will they tell for sure whether fighters have breast implants? With the implants being inserted under the muscle in some cases, some serious fondling may be required in order to verify things. Could we be exposing a hidden motivation here? One thing is for sure: the athletic inspectors need to be accompanied by Catholic priests to verify that their intentions are pure.