THE HOT TAG by Standup Comedian Angel M. Castillo
Welcome back for another edition of The Hot Tag, where we take stories from the worlds of pro wrestling and mixed martial arts and tag ’em with jokes! Last week I did an MMA class for the first time in, oh, probably four years or so, and in that time I’ve developed the perfect method for breaking an opponent’s guard: be too fat for him to close his legs. I’ve also learned that if you spend too much time out of shape and then try to get back into it, your movements look like a slow-mo re-play in real time, complete with disturbing rippling and jiggling. So what I’m saying is LAAAADIIIIIES, who wants some of this all-you-can-eat sex buffet?
Big stories this week are the Hulk Hogan sex tape and Dave Bautista’s MMA debut, which means two people doing something they are WAY too old to do, embarrassing themselves with their shirts off. Bautista (who went by “Batista” in the WWE because Vince knows fans have a lot of trouble with the letter “u.” Sorry, a lot of troble.) had a less than stellar MMA debut, winning by TKO against Vince Lucero, a guy with a 22-23 record who’s built like my dad. I don’t want to knock Bautista too much, but Lucero might has well have worn a label that said “Progresso” because he was a fucking tomato can. I wonder who were his fight coaches: Barry Horowitz and The Brooklyn Brawler?
My favorite part of that fight is that afterward, Lucero seemed upset over the referee stopping the match, despite the fact that had he not, he still would have been choked out by his own breasts.
To be honest, I haven’t seen the Hulk Hogan sex tape, because, frankly, I saw Chyna’s superclit, and I can safely assume that Hogan’s shrivelled roid-dong looks exactly like it, only smaller. I would have much preferred that we had gotten a sex tape out of Randy Savage before HE died, because we can all agree that would have sounded much cooler, right? Especially if he had been in character as Bonesaw McGraw, and shouted to his partner, “HEY FREAKSHOW, you’re going NOWHERE! I’ve got you for five minutes! Five minutes of PLAYTIIIIME!”
And somehow, Mene Gene Okerlund would be there the whole time with a microphone, trying his best not to crack up.
On to the stories!
TMZ reports that last week in Minneapolis, Shawn Daivari, a former WWE employee best known as Muhammad Hassan’s Farsi-speaking manager who was once carried out of the ring like a martyr by people dressed as insurgents, stopped a potential terrorist on a train who began making threats at other passengers. When he began to get violent, Daivari snuck up behind him and locked him in a rear naked choke before throwing him off the train at the next stop.
For some reason all I can think of is how if he was still employed and this has been thirty years ago, he probably would have been fired for breaking kayfabe in public.
Upon the release of the news, Steve Austin’s current girlfriend said “Look, he played a terrorist and he beat up a terrorist! So maybe let me leave the house without a black eye this week?”
Austin slowly shook his head as he undid his belt. “I’m old school, babe.”
After the October 1st episode of RAW in Oklahoma City went off the air, Jim Ross was honored in a ceremony for his years of work with the company, given a special plaque declaring him “the voice of the WWE.”
Vince McMahon, deciding to honor Ross in his hometown the only way that he could, pissed in his mouth in the middle of the ring.
Before the October 1st RAW went off the air, they displayed a graphic stating that Smackdown had gotten three times the viewership that the Ultimate Fighter had the previous week, one of the few times they’ve directly acknowledged UFC as a competitor.
Really, though, WWE shouldn’t brag about beating The Ultimate Fighter. Remember when they had a similar show called Tough Enough? That was a show that failed on MTV simply because it was a reality show with orange people punching each other who WEREN’T Italian.
I must admit, though, this shouldn’t come as a surprise. The Ultimate Fighter has lost some of its luster after the first few years, but that’s because there really is nothing more entertaining than watching Chris Leben fail no matter how many chances he’s given. That was lightning in a bottle.
WWE sources are reporting that Eddie Guerrero’s daughter Shaul has NOT been released from her contract with the company despite attempting to quit last week.
Now, no offense to the person who wrote the above-linked Kocosports article, but I have to comment on this line:
“One person with knowledge of WWE developmental matters noted that in recent weeks, she’s become distant and ‘seemingly very bitter about the wrestling business.’ No word on why as of this writing.”
Hmm, let’s see… What reason would Shaul Guerrero have to be bitter about the wrestling business… Gee, maybe it’s because IT’S THE BUSINESS THAT KILLED HER FATHER?!
The fact that they won’t release her even when she wants to leave makes me think the only reason Vince is sad that Daniel Benoit is dead is because that would have been a self-written angle as soon as he was old enough to get in the ring. Maybe they could have had a Daniel Benoit/Shaul Guerrero romance angle that ends with the two of them tying the knot… to the nooses they use to hang themselves while their enlarged hearts seize up.
Rey Mysterio was reported as being distressed by Shaul wanting to quit, because if another Guerrero dies while employed by the WWE, he’s guaranteed at least one more world title run.
Sources report that one of the factors leading to WWE severing all ties with Kelly Kelly this month was that a calendar she was planning to sell on her own official website contained “risque lingerie pictures” that the company wanted her to take down. Of course, this is the same company that once employed Micky James, a woman who, by the time she arrived at the company, had dozes of pictures on the internet of her ham wallet all spread out.
(For those keeping score, the Kocosports word filter doesn’t let me say “pussy,” but lets me say “ham wallet.” Which is more vulgar, I ask you?)
Of course, this is another consequence of the WWE trying to sanitize itself for the sake of Linda’s senatorial campaign. Someone should remind her that little kids can’t vote and that Republicans are the ones who LIKE objectifying women. A woman can show her vagina for money all she wants; just don’t let her prevent it from getting filled with a baby.
In an interview, lightweight UFC fighter Jacob Volkmann responded to critics on the internet who called his fights “boring” because of his preferred grappling tactics.
“You know there’s some fat turds out there having his heyday because he has a forum and wants to write some bad stuff about me, but he doesn’t understand the sport,” said Volkmann.
As someone who writes on the internet, Mr. Volkmann, I must say that if you want to start a dialogue with internet forum critics, you have to speak their language, which means you can’t talk above an 8th grade level and you have to use the word “faggot” WAY more. Then they will understand you.
An official response from the fat turds on the Sherdog.com forums was planned, but then they became too busy debating if Bruce Lee would have been successful in MMA or not.
Quinton “Rampage” Jackson put out a “humor” video earlier this year where he seemingly attempted to rape a female fan, which got a lot of criticism from fans and non-fans alike. In a recent interview, however, he revealed that the video was made to try and get him fired from the UFC.
“I was trying to get kicked out of the UFC. I have to keep it real. I was trying,” Rampage said. “They [UFC] were smart. They knew it, they saw right through it.”
With one fight left on his contract, Rampage revealed he has been getting lucrative offers from other companies that he intends to pursue after finishing his obligations with Zuffa. One offer was from Comedy Central, who after hearing about the failed attempt at a rape joke, now want him to write for Daniel Tosh.
Hot on the heels of Anderson Silva stating he wanted to do a super fight with George St. Pierre, fellow Brazilian Lyoto Machida told GloboEsporte.com that he would be willing to drop down to 185 pounds to fight GSP himself.
Personally, I’ve never seen so many people offering to lose weight for one guy’s attention who weren’t on a high school cheerleading team. It would be fun to see Machida and Silva start to make catty comments about each other’s fat hips in the locker room, only for Silva to develop an eating disorder, all ending in GSP taking Nate Marquardt to the prom and both Silva and Machida realizing it’s not what’s on the outside that counts, but on the inside.
And that brings to a close what somehow turned into a very special episode of The Hot Tag. Your homework for this week is to collect enough Randy Savage clips to edit them into a sex tape. Bonus points if you auto-tune it somehow, and if you can fit pictures of cats in there, you win the entire internet. Get to it, ya fat turds! I think that’s what I will call all of my fans from now on.
In the meantime, life’s a work, and we’re all marks, so mark the hell out!