THE HOT TAG by Angel M. Castillo
Welcome, one and… slightly more than one, to the inaugural installment of “The Hot Tag,” where I take news stories from the worlds of pro wrestling and mixed martial arts, and “tag” them with some jokes, because God forbid we take ourselves too seriously when we watch shirtless men snugglepunch each other. Well, I’m feeling about as anxious as a TNA fan sitting through a Brooke Hogan promo, so let’s get right to it!
We kick off with a good old-fashioned human oddities story…
While attempting to break up a fight between two women in a California mall this week, UFC and WWE veteran Ken Shamrock was jumped by a woman who, according to bystanders, looked “like a butch lesbian.” Shamrock reportedly took her down and placed her in a submission hold until someone told him that she was a woman.
Shamrock apologized, stating he thought he was being attacked by Wesley “Cabbage” Correira and his instincts took over, only snapping out of it when he noticed “Cabbage” had unusually small breasts.
When reached for comment, Steve Austin replied “What? He found out she was a woman and STOPPED hitting her? Amateur.”
Not to be outdone, Kurt Angle plans to reveal his own “lesbian lock” submission hold on Impact next week.
But that’s not the only thing Kurt Angle is debuting…
Yes, if you visit the “Health Up Cafe and Factory Outlet” in Pittsburgh, you can enjoy a vast selection of AngleFoods products, and benefit from the unimpeachable health wisdom of Kurt Angle, a man who was fired from his last job because Vince McMahon, the guy who let Chris Benoit smash his own brain into a puddle of pink, child-strangling pudding, thought Kurt wasn’t taking enough care of himself. Bon apetit!
Speaking of injured shells of their former selves…
…And that was just from shaking a fan’s hand after the show. In fact, when Triple H attempted to verbally notify the company of his injury, he sprained his tongue, dislocated his jaw, both quads snapped, his right hip shattered, and Talia Al Ghul was required to whisk him off to the Lazarus Pit.
Lesnar announced via video micro-blogging service Tout that he is “leaving the WWE and never coming back.” The 30 second video was dubbed “the shortest ‘fuck you’ to wrestling fans since Hornswoggle.”
Upon hearing the news of his retirement, Mick Foley, Terry Funk, Ric Flair, Hulk Hogan, and Bret Hart collectively agreed he was “probably 100% sincere and would never ever ever return to the WWE, no way, no how, for realsies, scout’s honor, not even for anniversary shows.”
In the video, Lesnar stated “I’ve accomplished everything I set out to do in the WWE, and there’s nothing left for me to conquer.” He added that he intends to pursue the next logical step for a former WWE and UFC champion and start beating up lesbians in California malls.
Rollin’ rollin’ rollin’ onto some more Summerslam news…
A WWE spokesman issued a statement saying that, contrary to internet reports, Fred Durst was NOT escorted out of the building by security at Summerslam after giving the camera the middle finger, rather, Durst himself left in order to personally apologize to WWE officials for his actions.
This revelation has provoked outrage from both wrestling and music fans, who demand that Durst display similar shame and self-awareness about the entirety of his career.
The WWE’s statement did say, however, that Durst’s gesture was a “violation” of WWE’s family-friendly atmosphere, clarifying that “if we want to show our viewers the middle finger, we prefer to do it with our asinine booking.”
CM Punk joins elite company like Hulk Hogan, Bret Hart, and Steve Austin as he was named this year’s number 1 wrestler by Pro Wrestling Illustrated magazine in their PWI 500 issue.
According to close friends, Shark Boy, very sure this was going to be his year, was “inconsolable” at the news.
In related news, CM Punk was also named number 1 in a list of “Best things to happen to both Pepsi consumption and the band ‘In Living Color’,” narrowly edging out Guitar Hero 3.
And to round it out with some more MMA news…
With an injured MCL, Dan Henderson was forced to withdraw from his main event match against UFC light heavyweight champion Jon “Bones” Jones at UFC 151 this month. Despite the knee injury, Henderson’s cauliflower ears both offered to detach from Henderson’s head and take the fight themselves, even though they would need to lose considerable weight to make the LHW limit.
Middleweight Chael Sonnen offered to step in and fight Jones at a catch weight, but Jones declined, forcing White to cancel the entire Pay-Per-View, denying all of the under-card fighters their purses. Some fighters were very vocally upset: One, who commented on condition of anonymity, remarked, “I was really looking forward to that payday. I depend on my income from UFC fights to pay for my mortgage, feed my kids, and sustain my very expensive shopping mall lesbian-fighting habit.”
Well, much like the Ultimate Warrior walking down his driveway, I am already spent! Hopefully positive reader response (read: any reader response) will encourage me to come back with another edition of “The Hot Tag” next week. Until then, remember: life’s a work, and we’re all marks.